In Contemplation

You can't believe it, I bet.  After all that silence, two posts in less than a week.  But I did something today and I think it was helpful.

I thought about the art quilts I've made, and which among them were the ones I considered my best work.  I identified three pieces that I think are my best work so far.  Then I sat down and in my trusty Creativity notebook (we will have to do posts on our respective books, yes?) went through for each one and listed what I liked about it, what features it has that I feel great about, how it made me feel when I was working on it, how the process felt, etc.

Not surprisingly, most of the elements were the SAME THINGS in all three, although the pieces are not all the same technique or style.

And you know how we were talking about the list of 7 characteristics we wanted our work to have?    Identifying what I liked in previous work was a good way to help sort out with a bit more clarity those characteristics.

By the way, I remembered where I'd read about that list idea.  It was in a book about Vermont printmaker Sabra Field.  (I realized I remembered it differently -- she used characteristics, not words, and there were more than seven.)   Here is her list in case you are interested:

Large scale
Simple
Serene
Austere
Deep color
High contrast
Spacial penetration
Surface pattern
Metaphorical
Evocative

Gathering, Incubating, Organizing

Oh dear.  I must apologize for the rather long expanse of time that has gone by since you posted and I left you hanging, pondering about rituals and statements of intent.  You know from our personal conversations why blogging has not been uppermost in my mind ... but really, one of the reasons to blog like this with you is to make myself keep moving forward, however incrementally, with your waiting for me as a big motivator.  So in penance I am foregoing a piece of See's candy from the box which Roger has just put on the coffee table.  You undoubtedly recognize the sincerity of my apology if I am giving up chocolate over it.

So first, to the interesting insights you raised in your last post.  I like the idea of a ritual to start creativity.  Maybe the ritual is an awareness as one crosses the threshold into the studio, and some level of statement of intent: "Today I am going to do X."  Like you, I'm suspicious of candles in the studio although I quite like the idea of that as a cozy, comfortable feeling.  A few years ago at Christmastime I hung a string of sparkly white lights around the top of two walls in my office, and I love the light they give and the sense of sparkliness they give to the room in the evening.  So maybe a special lamp or some goofy string lights would do the trick too.  But the purpose of the ritual is to make a moment that recognizes the intention, yes?  And maybe consciously thinking of the intention is enough.  Which makes me think -- maybe a small whiteboard or chalkboard to write the day's intention as I go in.  So often I go to do one thing and end up thinking about another.  Confronting that written sign might be a good thing for me.  Hmm.  I like that idea.  I just came across a small whiteboard that Caroline had to have for a math class some time ago... maybe I'll give this a try in my office and let you know how it goes.

I applaud your goal to not just meet a deadline, but to work toward a quality goal vs a temporal one.  I suppose that the trick is to start the project in time to meet the goal AND spend enough time to do it AND make fixes or even redo if quality issues demand.  And/or maybe to assess with each step whether it's where it's good enough to move to the next step.  You asked if I get caught up in the self-analysis.  Yes, I do.  But my issue has more to do with stopping midway as I'm assessing what should some next, or what will make it be what I want... and I get hung up, and discouraged.  You may finish things and have them end up less than you'd like -- I get stuck midway, with lots of things unfinished.  I guess the ideal is something in between!  Work carefully, consciously, finish, assess, and move on!

I have been working on my words.  And I know, it is hard.  Here's where I am so far, although I'm having a hard time distilling this down:

1.  Personal

2.  Evocative

3.  Contemplative

4.   Complete - as in, not lacking something

5.  Elegant

6.  Colorful


Despite this long time, I don't have anything in fabric to show you.  What with holidays and other things I've felt like I've not been able to OUTput -- it's all been about INput.  I've been reading, and looking at images and just absorbing and soaking.  I keep picturing what I think is a scene from the movie Fantasia, where a wizard comes upon the vast mess Micky Mouse has made, and casts a big magic spell to get it all under control so everything is swirling around him, sort of spinning around and moving upwards around him, gathering into one big tornado.  That makes it all sound very intentional, when really I've felt more exhausted and creatively empty than anything else.  So soaking things in and just doing a lot of LOOKING has felt like the extent of my creative ability.

But that has led me to think about what it means to be creative when you're not actually MAKING anything.  I've written about this in my blog before, but I really  notice that I have fallow periods where I'm just not in the mood to produce anything.  I actually think it's a routine for me at this time of year.  It could be laziness (and lord knows I've got that in me) but it's important to me that this be about pleasure and satisfaction for me.  So when I'm not in the mood to sit at the sewing machine or shift fabric bits around, I don't.  I think of it as incubation.

Some years ago, I started using this time between Christmas and my birthday at the end of January as a thinking and planning time, sorting out goals, looking at what I've done, what I hope to do.  Your recent blog post about your organizing system got me thinking about being more structured about my jottings... which have generally landed in whichever sketchbook/journal I happen to have in front of me at the time.  As a result, I've spent the last few days on a serious organizing kick.  My office is cleaner.  I've sorted out files drawers worth of papers, and gotten my desk organized with a system which will, I hope, help the flow of paper in and out of there work smoothly.  I feel like I'm getting ready to start the output phase.

Any minute now.  :-) 

I will post more thoughts soon but for now that's an update, at least.  Clearly I need a session at BocBoc over tea and cake to get things on the right track!

Rituals and statements of intent. ( And tea and cake, of course.)

Dear Diane,

I know that you too are ill and having jammies days. The good news is that with three days off work and then a half days worked before this weekend I am beginning to feel better myself so I hope the wellness is spreading over the Atlantic. I have been re- taught the lesson I keep being taught and then promptly forgetting,i.e. that rest and relaxation is not simply a waste of time. I feel I have so little time for creativity compared with all I want to do and learn that I must cram it into every hour. Which works really well until my body stops working and refuses to sit upright never mind walk up all the stairs to the studio. 

I did manage to read a little of a book called Inspiring Creativity, which is an anthology of essays by creatve coaches  and a couple of things resonated.

First the concept of rituals to begin creativity sessions. I had been following a number of articles and web links about that very topic about the time we started this blog so rather than harp on too much I'll give you like links below. I am still mulling over how to apply the concept... I am far too careless for candles in a studio I think! But I am thinking about rituals I can create focusing on clearing my head ready to concentrate on creativity.

At this time of year I like to take stock and plan. I would not say I make New Year Resolutions as such but I tend to review the past year and contemplate how i'd like the New Year to be and what I need to to to achieve those goals. Such an approach of course works far better if you actually review those goals from time to time before the year is over. the SAQA visioning project works well for me in that respect. But I thought this coming year I would combine the ritual with the relaxation and the planning and the clear heads. I have made appointments in my diary for the first Saturday morning of each month under the heading Reflection Morning. I plan to start with yoga at home, go to my local beautician for a massage or pedicure and then to Cafe Boc Boc with a journal for tea and cake and a rumination session. On My Own. That I think will be the essential part don't you think?! that seemed like a good ritual.

The other thing I read in the book  which caught my attention was about statements of intent. 

Always start with a clear intent of what it is that you want to achieve with a painting. When a painting fails,very often it is because there are too many differing or conflicting objectives included at once, or alternatively there was no good reason to paint it at all. I cannot see how it is possible to paint anything unless you know why you are painting it and what your aims are.It is only with that vision for the painting that you can judge which medium will work best and similarly address all the other considerations that play a part in creating the right effects and impacts. For me it is crucial to have a clear objective for a painting.

When I first read it I noticed the phrase " when a painting fails". I always find it difficult to understand how you can say that a painting or a quilt 'works'. I mean at a basic level, if the three layers stay together it is a quilt and it works. Beyond that is seems a rather subjective and undefinable concept. But, then I thought some more and realised that, yes it is a subjective thing, but it is up to me to define what I want that work to do. It might be just that I want something finished and no more. Or that I want to improve my grasp of  a technique or to impart a message. Whatever it is, if I do not have a clear idea of what I am doing at the beginning how can I decide if I did a good job?

i know that sounds oh so obvious but It dawned on me that it is a good tool to help me recover from the 'not good enough, again' malaise with which I tend to suffer. I need to formulate a statement of intent but that needs to be both challenging and achievable. I tend to fall between two stools. On the one hand I take a realstic approach in relation to time available and aim for just meeting a deadline I always achieve that. but so often I am disatisfied with what I do which is because 'Produced' is a meagre intent and gives me a temporal rather than artistic goal. On the other hand whilst I say ( to myself and to others) that I am aiming just to particpate or just to finish, what I really intend, without actually admitting it ( to myself or to others) is that I want to produce a work of art equal in my eyes to those done by the artists I admire. Those would be the full time, professional artists with years more experience than I have and who often have formal art training. And so I feel that I spend my time dilligently finishing examples of mediocrity.

And thus, I set myself up to fail even as I succeed in a way that leaves me empty. So from now on I am going to set a statement of intent for each piece which is higher than Finished, lower than Gobsmackingly Perfect. And that statement of intent will be as much about learning and improving and producing as it will about achieving. Because if I am for a particular thing and feel I did not meet it, I will not have failed, I will have learned what not to do and then I can set my statement of intent for the next piece to be to apply that knowledge and get over that hurdle.

I think that that is the most I can expect of myself because I will always want to improve. I drive Dennis mad. We have a newly renovated house which needs art work. I want to acquire pieces bit by bit direct from artists as I see something which speaks to me and as we can afford it. Dennis is puzzled by the need to buy work from other people when I can make art. Everytime I make a piece he asks if we can please put this one up on the wall. The answer is always no. I don't want to spoil my new house with mediocrity all over the walls. This despite the fact that this piece is destined for the hall. We invested in several works by this artist in the old house and this one never made it onto a wall for lack of space.

Now, I like this work. I like the clarity and I like the message. I am not phased at all by the fact that is is, literally,a finger painting, because the message behind it is powerful and outweighs the simplicty of the construction. It is is Nelson Mandela's representation of the bars of his cell window and the key is a replica to his cell. The Great Man himself dragged paint with his fingers and then left well alone. Save to put his signature on it. But if I had done it? Too simplistic. Not skilled enough. A bit if a cop out. Not worth sending to a show or gallery. I would love to know if Mr Mandela wanted to throw this in the bin and was persuaded not to or whether he had the self acceptance I lack. Of course, I suspect he could sign a used tissue and it would sell!

Do you suffer from all this internal criticism and self analysis, or do I just need to get my head out of my backside, stop making a deal out of things and just make some flippin' quilts?!

Not that those two options are necessarily mutually exclusive!

Oh, in your last post you talked about seven words to describe what you wanted your quilts to be. Did you formulate your list? I found it harder that I thought but this is my draft list... I am not quite ready to consider it finished yet!!

1. Interesting
2. Elemental
3. Meaningful
4. Brave
5. Different
6. Recognisable ( as by me)
7. Layered

Ok, this post has taken far too long to get to you so I shall leave it be now.

Happy Christmas,

Helen.

Articles:

Do you take your creative rituals seriously enough?

http://lateralaction.com/articles/creative-rituals/

How to develop a creative practice

http://tribalwriter.com/2010/11/11/how-to-develop-a-creative-practice-and-why-it-actually-does-make-you-more-creative/

Routines and Rituals

http://www.sashestudio.com/2011/06/routine-rituals-morning-pages/

My coffee shop creative ritual

http://reptitude.com/creativity/my-coffee-shop-creativity-ritual/

Do you have a creative ritual

http://www.artfeltbaubles.com/blog1/2011/07/01/241/

Harnessing the power of ritual for creative innovation

http://francischolle.com/2011/01/harnessing_the_power_of_ritual_for_creative_innovation/

Artistic freedom - The unfounded fear of ritual and routine

http://coachcreative.com/abigcreativeyes/2011/01/29/artistic-freedom-the-unfounded-fear-of-ritual-and-routine/

A ritual that sticks

http://www.habithacker.com/ritual/

Creative ritual or mundane routine?

http://lateralaction.com/articles/ritual-or-routine/

Late to the Tea Party

I'm a bit late to reply to your posts (is your tea cold?  Go make a fresh cup... I'll wait....) 
But that is no reflection on how much I appreciated your response to my artistic angst.  And in the meantime, while I was thinking about what you said, you had your own revelation (with help from Dennis) so I am lead to this conclusion:

It is hard to see our own voice in our work with our noses pressed up against it -- but it's there and apparent to others.

Perhaps we should print that out and post it on the walls of our respective work spaces. Really, I suppose the point is to relax and do what we love and our voice emerges.  But you have no idea how much I appreciate your specifying what you see in my pieces that reflect my voice.  And you have mentioned some of the things that really do float around the back of my mind as I am thinking about what to do for a challenge or a piece I'm working on.  (And thank you for reminding me about Kaffe Fassett being drawn to my quilts.  It still makes me very happy when I remember that!)

I like working with subject matter that is ordinary and humble.  My choice of dandelion as our first 12x12 theme was clearly motivated by that.  There's something about finding some meaning in items that people tend to overlook that appeals to me.

I like looking at things up close.  I'm more specifically aware of that in the photos I take -- and how much I love using my macro lens.  Honing in on some part of some small thing to notice its beauty or elegant shape or interesting texture is something I keep in mind when I'm taking photographs.  How silly that I don't specifically think of that with quilt making, but clearly that same impulse is there.  The photo above, which I took this week noticing my paint pan sitting on my desk, is an example of that.) 

And I love texture and pattern that comes from translating an image into fabric.

It is intriguing to me that you respond in terms of story.  It's not something I think about at all, in viewing or in making pieces.  And I think I should -- not as in "I am doing something wrong if I don't" sort of should, but in I think it might add to my own understanding of why I've been moved to do what I'm doing.

I also was struck by something I read in the Quilt National 2011 book.  One of the jurors (I have just looked -- it was Eleanor McCain in her Juror's Statement) talking about what she looked for in pieces as she was jurying them for the exhibit, asked "What about these works of art demands that they be formed from cloth and thread?  Is there a message and meaning that can only be revealed through this medium?  What in the quilt form is important to the art?"  Is that something you have thought abouyt as you've been making your pieces?  I must admit that I've never consciously thought about those questions, or linked the medium to the art content with that linear of a thought.  I'm aware of texture and pattern and developing both of those through the choices I make along the way -- but WHY is this a quilt as opposed to something else seems like it's worth consideration. 

I have written about this before on my own blog, I think, but I read about an artist in another medium who keeps a list of seven adjectives posted in large print on her studio wall. They are the words that describe what she wants her work to be, and when she is working on a piece, she runs through the list to check that what she's doing hits all of her "targets."

I have often thought about what my list would be, but (as is typical) I get distracted and wander off to something else before I finish my list.  So that will be my task for the week.

In any event, thank you pointing me back to myself.

And as for your most recent entry.  Wow.  I love the journal pages you've made and I suspect Nikki is very happy to know that providing you with that book spurred you to a creative burst like that.  (See?  Tell Dennis!  The right journal CAN work wonders!) 

Your beautiful pattern pages make me think, again, that there really IS something useful about that repetitive practice and trial that is at the heart of the City and Guilds process.  Experimenting and sampling can lead to exciting discoveries and it need not be playing with fabric. 

And it does rather demonstrate the truth that our own style/voice will emerge?  You've been doing a repeating symbol all along and didn't even realize it. 

I laughed at Dennis's reaction to the "mess" of paint and surface design work.  In the sketching/watercolor class I've been doing, we had several weeks where we were supposed to apply various substances to pages as backgrounds for drawing and painting. And it felt like such a mess to me!  I didn't like it much although it was interesting to see the different results.  BUT when it comes to applying stuff to fabric?  It doesn't seem like mess at all.  So, apparently, for me it feels messy if I'm working on paper but it's art if it's fabric.  Go figure.

If you had to come up with a list of seven words or phrases to serve as your "target" words for your art, what would they be?


I should note here that because of holidays and family things, I've not had a lot of studio time.  I've drawn some eggplants to experiment working with purples in the watercolor class for the weekly assignment.  I've pulled out my camera to capture the vibrant fall color in the yard.  

But I'm starting to feel the pull toward something I started a few weeks ago, so getting that done is at the top of my fabric list.

How has the revelation that you actually DO have a repeating symbol affected your thinking about what you're doing this week?

Diane

Breakthrough!

Dear Diane,

I know it is your turn to write so I am sorry to be the person who interupts to shout "me,me,me!" but I just have to tell you this story....

We have talked before ( whether on or off this blog I forget) about sketchbooks and I have long said that I keep a journal for quilting, which has notes, inspirational cuttings and ink doodles in. I have also said that I admire, like to look at and have decided not to pursue making beautiful artists journals with perfect pages. But when it comes to messy painted journals, the type artists make to play and experiment and warm up in, I am firmly on the fence. Love to see them, academically understand how they benefit a process, can never quite seem to do them myself.  I mean, I can splash and stamp paint. Who can't? But I hate the results. They never seem  to link to anything textiley and rather than being inspired by by past efforts I have been disgruntled at the wasted time and products. We have also talked about struggling to establish an individual recognisable style of our own.

So, with all that in the background I went off to the Knit and Stitch show on Saturday. I will blog about that separately over on my own blog but lest just say that save for one exhibit  the gallery was manifestly uninspiring this year. Maybe because of that, what stuck in my mind as I left was messy play sketchbooking. I had leafed through Susan Chapmans book and watched her create more in the Active Studio area.  I had shown Dennis ( yes he came!) work that Ruth Isset had on her work table at the Art Van Go stall ( and was highly amused to watch him instinctively back away from ' the mess', bless him). I had looked at Julia Tristons new book, which I decided not to buy because much of it was what she had taught me on the City and Guilds course, but I enjoyed flipping through it and seeing again the sketchbook she made including stamped pages based on her elephant theme. Another exhibit was Mary Sleigh who unaccountably showed all her collection of African artifacts and none of her ownwork inspired by them.But nevertheless, that evening at home it made me revist her books which include inspiring sketchbooks of paper collages based on african insiprations.

That was Saturday. On Sunday I went out to a garden centre to get a Christmas tree and was kind of contemplating whether I could try again with a messy sketchbook and doing the usual debate/ mental excuse about not having quite the right book. I came home to find a package in the letterbox from Nikki Wheeler. I have no idea why it was there right then as there was no postal delivery on a Sunday and the package fit in the box so no reason it would have been delivered to a neighbour. In the package was a beautiful hand bound sketchbook with just the perfect paper for what I had in mind. And given that you set the group up to play with no expectations it seemed the perfect permission to set to.

So I did just one page. It is inspred by a photo in the Passages book by Carol Beckwith and Angela Fisher of body art at a Ghanaian inititiaton ceremony and it is clear to me at least that thoughts about kuba cloth were still there in my subconscious.

 I kind of got into it after a while....

I even took some of it into fabric and barkcloth just to see how the household emulsion which I was using (hey, it was to hand and we have lots of it!) behaved on those substrates.

I am conscious as I blog this that in the past I might have dismissed the pages above as unsucessful. I think a lot of it is attitude and the fact that I am currently inspired by tribal body painting seems to free me up because I am  working with a source that is not refined and so my work need not be either at this sketchbook stage.

That was the first part of the breakthrough. The second came when I showed the pages to Dennis. He often has trouble visualising things until they are completed ( which is why he is totally suprised how our house rennovation is turning out!) so I asked him if he saw anything but ' mess' , (his term for any process involving paint!) He said that he could see I was developing designs and, said, for example, " that is your repeating symbol"

Huh? What is? He meant the thin line in the second verticle sample in the last photo.

I was perplexed. I could not think of ever using a shape like that as a symbol. So I got out of the cupboard a pile of small quilts I had stashed at random. Journal quilts, spare Twelve quilts, fabric sketches. That shape appeared in in one form or another in every single one of the twenty one quilts! Sometimes more obviously, sometimes less. But there it was in all twenty one! And when I blogged on the Twelve by Twelve blog about contemplating a common design element in my 20/12 quilts that was one thing I had in mind. And I had NO IDEA that I did that.  Dennis was amazed I did not know. He thought I did that deliberately.

I tell you. it gave me goosebumps. Firstly to learn that, without me even realising, the work I thought was totally disparate had apparently a sign that it was made from the same hand. And secondly that I have a husband who knows my art ( and therefore me) better than I know myself.

Of course, with my talent for complication, I now have to ponder how being conscious about that design element might affect my work!

I thought you would want to know and share the goosebumps with me!

Helen.

Yes, we have no tomatoes

Dear Diane,

In an attempt to reorder my day to get some time to write this I decided to come to work very early, get my prep out of the way then grab an hour to write. I am therefore currently sitting on the exact seat you sat on in the room which you declared to be hideous. No reader will know what I am talking about but I know you will! I shall shortly move to the dining room to consume a full english breakfast. I thought it important if we were going to talk about tomatoes that I had one infront of me at the time.

So, your crisis. Commenters have already made good points but I would add that maybe you are looking in the wrong place to try to find your true voice. There have been many, many good things about the Twelve by Twelve project but I am not sure that it has been an easy place to work on finding a voice or consistent style. The nature of the way we choose our themes is to pull you from one place to another. New series! New project! New idea! Each piece is a stand alone and so you are not easily going to find a cohesiveness developing there, unless it was in you already.

That said, let me remind you of a special event in your life. Even though you were not actually there when it happened. Remember when I was on the stand at Festival of Quilts and Kaffe Fassett told me that he really liked your quilts. He didn't say he liked just one. He picked out your body of work. Which to me implies that he saw something in all of them.Now I suppose it could have been something different in each one but thats unlikely. I think there is a developing underlying style and I see it in your photography too.

I think it is that you get up close to an object, look closely at it, often looking at only part of it ( like the tomato crate) or take a cross section. In many of your works the object you choose is imbued with a kind of pathos and meaning, often giving a feeling of loss, absence or a tale untold. I am thinking of all those photos you take of empty chairs. The one you took of the garden chairs at retreat for example which is shortly to go on my studio wall I love because those two empty chairs tell me the story of who sat in them one day at retreat, what we talked about in them and the implicit promise that we will one day return together to those empty and waiting chairs. For me, the John Lennon glasses has the same pull. The man is gone but the source of his vision remains and through them he continues to insipre from beyond the grave. ( Pause for spine chills).

Take Labikeet.... Gemma waits for her walk. Why is she waiting? Where is her owner? Will they come to get her?

I know in your theme series the ones that capitvated people most were the chinese lanterns ( again, a cropped picture with a hidden story. Where are they floating? What are they celebrating? That 's the one Kaffe said was the favourite of all 144 quilts) and the cave which physically drew people into it. They peered into it, their noses right up against it, as if to see who was hiding in it.

Not all your challenge quilts have that same quality but maybe thats part the nature of the challenge and part becuase you are in the process of developing a style where as maybe Deborah and Terry are further down that line. I think Deborah also consciously uses repeated symbols and shapes and materials where as you are more varied. I think thats just choice...do you want to narrow down that way or not?

I am glad you raised the issue though as I am in a similar position. Who am I? What am I trying to say? Even if I knew, do I yet have the ability to say it in a visual way? And would I even be satisfied with it if I did say it visually?

Now we are close to having our house refurbishments structurally complete and can start thinking about what art to put on the walls, Dennis is having a hard time comprehending how I can even casually talk about buying quilts made by other people. Why do that when I make them myself? Because, I try to explain, I never think mine are good enough because what I learn with each one is what I could try to do better next time. I don't want to put my practise on my lounge wall when I could have a proper piece of art up there. But, he asks, confused, you have sold quilts. Yeah, but the buyers don't know what is in my head to do next! I wonder whether Jette Clover and Miriam Pet Jacobs and the other artists whose work I have been imagining in my hallway feel the same?

What ever the answers I am glad I have you to travel the ponderous journey with. Now, If you will excuse me, I must go and blog about another art dillemma over on the Twelve by Twelve blog. Sheesh! It's awonder I ever actually get to even imagine making a quilt, the amount of brain space I have taken up by these internal debates!

Love,
Helen.

Seeking MY tomatoes

Dear Helen,

I think I am having an existential art crisis.  Again.  (Still.)

Because I know you love hearing about my crises (chipper smile here) I will elucidate.

I have had the good fortune to have seen two big art-filled quilt shows in the last 4 months.  Festival of Quilts in Birmingham, England in August.  International Quilt Festival in Houston, Texas just last weekend. Both shows were exciting, with enough eye candy to give someone a serious stomach ache.

I should be feeling eager to leap into stash of fabric and MAKE SOMETHING.  But I'm not.  Truthfully, I'm in the mood to nap and eat carbohydrates.  Well, THAT's not that uncommon, but the urge is stronger than usual.  Yep, I think I'm a bit overloaded.  But here's the question that pops up:  what would I make?  What DO I make?  What sort of quilting do I want to do? What is my style?

I know.  You are shaking your head and laughing.  You've heard this before.  Just recently (the last post, even?) I was writing about how the important thing is to have fun, having a style or a recognizable body of work isn't important, blah blah blah.  I believe that, actually.

But still.  There I was in Houston, with people rushing over to our exhibit of 288 quilts and exclaiming how impressed they were, how delighted, how they loved seeing our creativity, etc.  I started feeling like an impostor. As I walked around the entire show, I was paying attention to which of the quilts made me think some version of "that's what I want to be doing" or "I wish I could make work like that." At one point I got up and looked at all 24 sets of our quilts, looking specifically at my own pieces to attempt to find some sort of style or specific technique or any thing that would make me say, "There.  THAT'S what I want to do more of and THAT'S what I want to be known for."

And yes, I do know that I said in that earlier post that I didn't care about being known.  I don't really.  BUT I want to have an idea in my own head of what I'm doing, you know?  I'd even like to be able to have some general "look" that I'm aiming for.  But I can't identify it. 

I know I'm drawn to bold color, graphic design and imagery.  I don't love photo-realistic work in fabric, but I'm drawn to the fabric collage illustrative stuff especially when it involves good use of fabric prints. I tend to prefer my own work flat and quilted -- the dimensional, embellished, or sparkly things don't interest me.  But as I looked at my own work, I can't find a direction.

There's a bunch of illustrative/realistic pieces.

There are various abstract pieces ...

I did a fair amount of painting on fabric...

 and I do like doing the fabric collaged images, like my recent tomatoes.

Actually, I LOVE those tomatoes.  I'm really happy with how they turned out.  I'd say that of everything I've made in the last year, that's the piece I feel best about.

But I think I'm feeling sort of depressed about not seeing anything that makes my work diffferent from anyone else's.  How is this work MINE in a way that would make someone going through a show and seeing it think "of course that's Diane's" as opposed to "oh, there's another person doing THAT sort of thing...."   Why couldn't these be anyone's tomatoes?

And I'd like to think I can find a direction to aim for -- not "I want to do work like Nancy Crow" or "I want to be like Ruth McDowell," but some glimmer of "THAT's the type of work I want to explore and make mine" would be nice. 

One of the things that I admire about various quilty friends of ours -- Deborah and Terry come to mind -- is that their work is THEIRS.  You know it when you see it.  And they don't just do the same things over and over again.   

Maybe this comes back to the very ideas we started with -- picking something, working in a series to explore different angles of it, and just seeing where it goes, finding what yields satisfying work, discovering what produces work that I'm proud of.

It's not about technique and which to use. It's about wondering what it is I'm saying with the fabric art I'm doing.  At the moment, I'm feeling disturbed that I don't feel like I'm saying anything, and I don't know where I'm going.

Maybe I'll go have a piece of sourdough french bread.